What are your thoughts on yaoi?
by worblehat
Summary: Gintoki/Hijikata. Gintoki demands a parfait. Hijikata grumbles. Groping ensues.


**Title:** What are your thoughts on yaoi?  
**Author: **worblehat  
**Fandom:** Gintama  
**Pairing:** Gintoki/Hijikata  
**Rating:** PG-13/Soft R  
**Summary:** Gintoki demands a parfait. Hijikata grumbles. Groping ensues.  
**Notes:** Inspired by **awdt** prompt: "My coffee has gone cold." Unbeta'd.  
**Word Count:** 1,438

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"Oi."

The body at the desk remained motionless, the light breathing pattern just barely making it obvious that the permed intruder was actually alive.

Hijikata leaned down, examining him for a short while. The quickly-spreading pool of drool made his eye twitch. He inhaled deeply, the cigarette end blazing red for several seconds before he removed it from his lips, leaned down, and blew a steady, insistent stream of smoke at Gintoki.

"...You..." Cough, cough, cough. "Son of a -" cough, - "bitch."

"Sit up and stop drooling on my paperwork," said Hijikata, bringing the cigarette back to his mouth and letting it rest there easily. Leaning down, he poked Gintoki in the arm. "Oi. I'm talking to you."

"Ah...ah..."

Hijikata made a face._He wouldn't __**dare**_

"ACHOO!"

An amazing spray of saliva and what looked suspiciously like mucus spread out across Hijikata's desk. He stared at it for several seconds before his fist balled up tightly, his other hand grabbing Gintoki and pulling him from his chair, until he slammed back against the wall.

"You're supposed to say 'bless you' when someone sneezes," prompted Gintoki, sneaking one hand into Hijikata's top pocket and removing the crisp, white handkerchief there. In three quick blows of his nose, the handkerchief became floppy and wet. He tucked it carefully back into Hijikata's pocket, patting it down, wincing a little at the squishing noise. "You might want to wash that before you next use it."

"I..."

Gintoki waited. "You...?"

"I...am..."

"...Stupid?"

"_I am going to __**kill**__ you!_" growled Hijikata, completely losing it before pinning Gintoki to the wall, sword unsheathed against the tanned neck. "Any last words?"

"Hm..."

Hijikata pressed the sword a little more insistently, making Gintoki squirm; he smirked in return.

"I can't think of any now. Let me go have a serious brainstorming session and come back when I'm ready to die, okay?" Gintoki squeaked out, trying to get free.

"You really think I'm going to let you go?" growled Hijikata. "That's the second time you've gooped up my paperwork!"

"I'm sorry, _your majesty_," said Gintoki defensively. "Humble peasants like myself only have regular fans to keep us cool in the summer. Not every can afford _central air conditioning_. It takes a while to get used to, for someone as frail and common as me-"

"Shut up!" Hijikata closed his eyes, trying to regain at least _some_ of his composure. He sheathed his sword, barely looking at the other man as he sat down at his desk. "So? What did you want?" he asked, rifling carefully through the papers, wondering which reports he could get away with tossing into the trash.

"I wanted to borrow some of your parfait," said Gintoki, nonchalantly.

"I keep telling you," said Hijikata, "we don't keep parfait here."

"Why not? You keep a whole cabinet of mayonnaise."

"That's because mayonnaise is a necessity."

"So is parfait," Gintoki argued, barely ducking in time before a stapler went sailing by.

"Go get that," grumbled Hijikata.

Gintoki's mouth was hot and familiar on his neck as he leaned across the desk. "You just want to see me bend over."

Hijikata's hands clenched; he tried not to think about the spit on his hands, a distraction which was made considerably easier with Gintoki's words. "I want to see you _shut up_," he said.

"Does this mean you're going to gag me next time?" asked Gintoki aloud.

"If that's what it takes," he mumbled menacingly.

"I didn't think you were into S & M," said Gintoki, speaking still louder. "Is that why you wanted to tie me to -"

He caught the hand that went flying over his mouth, gripping it tightly in his own. "What's the matter?" he taunted, enjoying the intense look on Hijikata's face. "You look so tense." His eyes scanned the table, settling on a cow-themed coffee cup. "Too much caffeine is bad for your libido, Oogushi-kun."

"Die."

"Necrophilia, too?" Gintoki made a noise of disapproval. "I don't think I feel safe having you on the streets, endangering my kids."

"You don't have kids!"

"I might," interrupted Gintoki. "If you didn't keep trying to sleep with me."

Hijikata squeezed closer, his hips pressed flat against Gintoki's own. His breathing was growing more rushed. "_You_ started this," he muttered. "I just went along with it."

"How could I have started it? I don't even like yaoi."

"Get. Out." Hijikata deadpanned, beginning to step away, frustrated; firm hands wrapped around his waist, pulling him closer, fingers running lightly over his lower back, gripping the curve below it.

A devilish sort of smile played on his lips. "I never said I didn't like it."

"What do I care if you like yaoi?" said Hijikata, bristling.

"Stupid," said Gintoki fondly. "Not yaoi." He exhaled lightly against Hijikata's mouth. "This."

Both sets of eyes closed as their lips met, tongues slowly moving together, tasting: wet and sweet and smoke mingling together as their hands pulled, Gintoki's palm warm as he slid it beneath Hijikata's trousers. Gintoki backed himself against the desk as Hijikata pressed against him, their movements erratic; the way their bodies fit together still somehow awkward, yet pleasing.

Hijikata felt his belt buckle undone, Gintoki's fingers at his zipper when something shot past his ear. They both ducked, attempting to re-clothe themselves as inconspicuously as possible before the door burst open. Blinking, they remained hidden; but no one appeared.

"It was probably Sougo," said Hijikata, lighting another cigarette.

"H-How can you be used to that?" asked Gintoki, his voice higher than usual as he pointed feverishly towards the door. "Sleeping with you is too dangerous sometimes!"

"We didn't sleep together just now," Hijikata pointed out.

"We were going to," said Gintoki with feigned disinterest, picking at an imaginary bit of lint on his shirt.

"You don't know that."

Gintoki looked frazzled; but just as quickly as his annoyance had come, it vanished, to be replaced with a confident smile. "That's right. I wasn't even courted properly."

"...Courted?" Hijikata blinked. There was no way Gintoki could be serious. Courting was for...women. A gender neither he nor Gintoki were good with.

"Bring me a parfait and I'll think about letting you sleep with me."

"You fucking bastard -"

"Get the large kind," said Gintoki, waving over his shoulder. "I'm counting on you, Oogushi-kun."

"You'll be waiting a long time," muttered Hijikata, focusing his attention back on his work.

He tapped his fingers on the desk.

He removed the handkerchief from his pocket, grimaced, and threw it in the trash, along with a few papers.

He looked at the clock.

Then he swore. Loudly.

His wallet was nowhere to be found, and he needed it now more than ever, if the tightness just below his navel was that insistent. Looking around, he felt somewhat relieved as he approached his captain. "Kondo. Give me some money."

"What for, Toshi?"

"I need a parfait."

Kondo blinked in surprise. "You like parfaits now?" The look on his face brightened tenfold as he searched for money in his pockets. He held up his hand in triumph after counting out the exact amount necessary. "I know a great place! We could go together and be Parfait Buddies. They have a great Tuesday night! Parfait-around-the-world is their best game. They even have lady dancers..."

"...Maybe another time," said Hijikata, yanking the money from his hand and running. _Parfait Buddies?_ he thought as he ran. _Thanks, but no thanks._

When he arrived at the Yorozuya ten minutes later, he shoved the parfait in Gintoki's hand and grabbed his other hand tightly, dragging him towards the bed in the closet.

"This isn't good courting," criticised Gintoki as he was pulled down to the bed, landing awkwardly in Hijikata's lap.

"Does it look like I care?" asked Hijikata impatiently as he began to undo the other's robes.

"No," said Gintoki.

"Do you care?"

"No."

"Then?"

"What about my parfait?"

"Eat it later!"

"It'll spoil," whined Gintoki. "I can't let that happen."

"Go get a spoon!" Hijikata yelled, working on shedding himself of his own clothing as he slipped under the covers.

"Can't. They need to be washed."

"What do you want from _me_, then?! I'm not here to do your dishes."

Gintoki thought hard; looked at Hijikata; then smiled. "Human silverware."

"...What?" asked the vice-captain, feeling suddenly uneasy.

"You're going to be my spoon." He placed the parfait on Hijikata's stomach as he maneuvered himself on the bed, in just the right position, his fingers easy on Hijikata as skin met cold met tongue.

Closing his eyes, he decided the term "Parfait Buddy" wasn't as bad as it _semed_.

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Reviews are fun times. 


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